55 awesome facts about Chuck Norris


#1
  1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

  2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name was “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

  3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

  4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.

  5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more that meet the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

  6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly thereafter all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

  7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling “Bang!”

  8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

  9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya!”

  10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

  11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

  12. When Chuck Norris’ wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

  13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you’re thinking to yourself, “That’s impossible, I already lost my virginity,” then you are dead wrong.

  14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

  15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper, Jr., insisting that that actually is “his” way.

  16. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

17.Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

  1. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

  2. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

  3. Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t fuck with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

  4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

  5. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

  6. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

  7. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more “humane”.

  8. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

  9. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O’Brien’s lever that shows clips from “Walker: Texas Ranger” and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan’s wife.

  10. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and shit on their floor, just because he’s Chuck Norris.

  11. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

  12. At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn’t a racist.

  13. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn’t give him exact change.

  14. Hellen Keller’s favorite color is Chuck Norris.

  15. Chuck Norris once pulled a bus full of school children teetering over the edge of a cliff back onto the road with his bare hands, saving everybody inside. Even as they cheered, he screamed, “I’m not your savior!” and headbutted the bus over the edge, sending them all to their horrible doom.

  16. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

  17. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

  18. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

  19. The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.

  20. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

  21. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

  22. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

  23. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

  24. On Neil Armstrong’s second step on the moon, he found a note that said, “Chuck Norris was here.”

  25. A recent poll discovered 93f women think about Chuck Norris during sex. A similar poll discovered Chuck Norris thinks about Chuck Norris 100f the time during sex.

  26. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

  27. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after, the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered. Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck taketh away.

  28. Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

  29. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry; the man ate a fucking Indian.

  30. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

  31. It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate. But that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself in order to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

  32. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green 4 card from the game UNO.

  33. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

  34. Chuck Norris’ action figure has slept with more women then most men.

  35. Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by “knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.

  36. In “Return of the Dragon” we see Bruce lee ripping out some of Chuck Norris’s chest hairs. Those same chest hairs slowly dug into Bruce Lee’s hands and worked thier way to the “mind control nerve” in his brain. The remaining years of Bruce Lee’s life were spent actually being controlled by Chuck Norris. When Chuck norris decided to make “College Coeds,” he destroyed Bruce Lee’s brain, killing him instantly.

  37. It is rumored that Chuck Norris likes to hslerkb zxdkj … This is CHUCK NORRIS typing. The person who was just typing had an ill thought about CHUCK NORRIS. That same person was going to type something bad about CHUCK … NORRIS. I traveled through the wiring in his house much like the bad guy in Ghost in the Machine. I have given him a one way ticket to a body bag. Let this be a lesson to all.

  38. When Chuck Norris goes swimming, he does not get wet. The water becomes Chuck.


#2

honestly, what is this new found facsination with chuck norris? I keep seeing his name come up in forums, and I also see shrines of him people submitted on collegehumor.com