Ask Dr. D!

Howdy ho, once again, everybody! Dr. D here to give you the medicine you so desperately need! Whenever I start posting on a new message board I like to set up shop, as it were and allow you to ask the burning questions that linger in your soul. You know, questions like: “What is the meaning of life?” “Is there a purpose to my being here?” and “What are you doing in my bathroom?”

So ask away! I promise to “think deeply” and “meditate carefully so as to know how to answer wisely”. And by “think deeply” and “meditate carefully so as to know how to answer wisely” I of course mean “snort white powder” and “smoke something that smells like feet”

Ask me anything!

What does my future hold. Is it a :thumbup or a :thumbdown?

Tyler, it’s a :willy_nilly:

Its Dr Dre

Welcome ( to hell )

Hello again everybody! It seems we have our very first patient! Yes! Another lost soul seeking guidance from the lighthouse of wisdom that is me, in the stormy seas of discontent that is their life!

Well, Tyler, you have asked an age old question that many, many, many people ask. “Who put the lemon in the goat?”…WHOOPS! HAHA! Wrong age old question!

“What does my future hold?” is what you are basically wanting to know. And well you should know your future. You see, when we know our futures it allows us to avoid certain pitfalls. Pitfalls such as giving your credit card number to a prostitute of questionable gender and after a less than stellar performance being forced to choke her/him/it out. Not that I would know anything about that!

But moving on, for all questions regarding the futre, and my tax returns, I like to turn to an old favorite: The Magic Eight Ball ™!

So, let’s see what we can discern about your future Tyler!

shake shake shake…and it says: “You’re not a real doctor, you know.”

Ummm…hmmm…something seems to be wrong with it! HAHA! Let’s try it again!

shake shake shake…and it says: “It’s going to chafe if you keep touching it that much.”

What on earth could it be talking about?! Ummmm…let’s try it one more time, shall we? Let’s shall!

shake shake shake…and it says: “They log your IP address at sites like those.”

Heh heh…uh…oh screw it toss

Well, Tyler, I wish I could answer your question the usual way, but it would seem that I am going to have to do this with tea leaves. So let me just get some tea leaves over here…and…ummm…there’s nothing printed on them…how the hoodehah do people read these things?! OH FORGET IT! toss

sigh

Well, Tyler, once again I apologize. I wish I could help you. But if I can’t predict your future maybe I can give you some rules to live by that will guide you and keep you safe from harm.

-Always, always, always make sure that you have the animal’s consent before romance.
-Never assume that just because you can’t afford something, that a friend who’s a fast runner can’t help you out.
-Always leave your in-law’s house on a good note, things such as bumping and grinding your mother-in-law simply will not do. This may or may not apply to your father-in-law…or any pets they may have. Especially birds.
-Never take anything for granted. Except my advice.

NEXT!

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer my thought provoking question with eloquence, elan and lots off other words that possibly also start with an E.

I can’t help but think that my follow up question “Who put the lemon in the goat?” has now been somewhat spoiled! :wink:

Is the glass half empty, half full, or too big?

I think the last one. If I have that much water, why should I have too lift so much glass?

Hello again everybody! It seems yet another person has stepped up to the “execution pole of questioning” and requested the “firing squad of insight” to fire the “guns of wisdom” into their “limpening body of quandries”!

Our next question comes from Caledonius!

They wish to know “Is the glass half empty, half full, or too big?”

Ah, yes, a question of optimism versus pessimism.

For many years, psychologists and psychiatrists have looked deeply into the way humans view even the simplest situations so as to know their thinking patterns. I, too, being a doctor of many, many, many disciplines (mainly the ones that allow me to tell women to disrobe) have looked at the “glass half full/ half empty” scenario. I have pondered it deeply, as one would ponder any mystery of life. Mysteries such as “Why can we feel the wind but not see it?”, “What exactly is the nature of gravity?” and “How am I supposed to know exactly how many yards to stay away from her?”.

And let me tell you what I have discovered about the whole “glass full/ empty” thing.

IT’S JUST A F(BLEEP)KING GLASS OF WATER! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!

I cannot fathom why you people insist on this whole silly debate…

Now if the glass is filled with something high in alcoholic content, THAT is a quandry to…umm…quander…???

And the answer to that question would be:
“Is the glass half full?” Answer: “It’s not full enough”
“Is the glass half empty?” Answer: “It’s not full enough”
“Is the glass too big?” Answer: “No such thing.”

So you see, Caledonius, the correct question to ask would be: “Why is this glass not overflowing with something we like to refer to in the medical community as “Liquid Happiness”?”

NEXT!

what came first…the chicken or the egg?

Comes sliding into the room like Tom Cruise in Risky Business

HELLOOOOO! Dr. D here once again to answer your questions!

Our next question comes from skyblue!

They wish to know: “what came first…the chicken or the egg?”

What came first…certainly not the women I take to bed! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!! slaps knees

But all seriousness aside, we need to answer this question as it has plagued mankind for centuries! So let us delve into this very deep subject.

delve

You see, due to the very nature of chickens coming from eggs and eggs coming from chickens, it has been hard for mankind to figure out just which one was here in The Beginning ®.

Well, my colleagues and I have studied the DNA evidence and we have come to the conclusion that you should never stay at Motel 6. Take a blacklight in there if you don’t believe us. It looks like a paintball accident…

But to answer your question, we must turn to a source higher than that of our own. Yes, we must turn to The Lord ™ Himself ®.

So I shall put your question to The Lord ™ and see what He says…after all he made them, so logically it follows that He would know, right? RIGHT!

Dr. D: “Uh, Lord?”
The Big Invisible Man In The Sky: “CALL ME BOB.”
Dr. D: “Bob?..um okay? Uh, hey Bob, listen I was kinda wondering if you could answer a question that somebody submitted to me on the board?”
“BOB”: “HANG ON A SECOND…I’VE GOT ANOTHER CALL…YES? HMMM? OH…UH…I DON’T KNOW…WHAT ARE YOU GETTING?..YEAH THAT SOUNDS GOOD, BUT I THINK I’LL HAVE THE TURKEY CLUB WITH LOW FAT MAYO. OH AND A DIET COKE. I’M HAVING A HARD TIME FITTING IN MY PANTS LATELY. OK, BYE…NOW WHAT WERE YOU SAYING?”
Dr. D: “Yes, I was wanting to know which came first, the chicken or the egg?”
“BOB”: “OH LORD I CAN’T REMEMBER…LET ME SEE…UHHHH…HMMMM…HEY JESUS? DO YOU REMEMBER WHICH WE MADE FIRST? THE EGGS OR THE CHICKENS?..HUH?..YOU DON’T REMEMBER EITHER? CRAP…SIGH…LET ME TAKE A LOOK AT THE RECORDS…LET’S SEE…CHICKENS CHICKENS CHICKENS…HMMMM…OK, MADE ON THE 6TH DAY…UMMM…IT SEEMS WE WERE USING WINDOWS 95 AT THE TIME…AND…HUH…SEEMS LIKE WE COULDN’T FIGURE OUT WHICH ONE TO MAKE FIRST SO WE JUST MADE THEM BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. THAT ANSWER YOUR QUESTION, MY SON?”
Dr. D:“Uh, yeah…”

I could have gotten better results with my The Magic Eight Ball ™…

Why is it that some people were born virgins while others were born fucked?

I’ve asked that of many people over the years and haven’t had a decent answer. Maybe you have something in you black bag of tricks.

what the fuck

Howdy ho, howdy ho everyone! Dr. D here again! Let’s take a look at our next few questions!

Guyzerr wants to know: “Why is it that some people were born virgins while others were born fucked?”

The good doctor is not going within 100 yards of even talking about babyf* BLEEP*king…

It’s just wrong, even if technically they haven’t learned to say “no” yet. Some would argue that they can’t refuse you if they don’t know how to vocalize rejection. These people while making a convincing argument are just plain wrong. It is ALWAYS wrong to abuse babies, no matter how legit their fake id may look. Just because the bouncer let them into the club and they’re pounding down shots of Jagermeister ™, that does not give you the right to have carnal knowledge of them. So what if they’re doing bodyshots and table dances? I say a hearty NO to sex with babies. The mute, on the other hand, are fair game. Have at 'em.

The good doctor urges you to perhaps reevaluate your lifestyle. Thinking thoughts like that will only get you on that show with Chris Hansen. And believe you me, those cops are hard to run from. Especially Sgt. Robinson. Meaty calves that man has…

Moving on to our next question!

Freebird135 wants to know: “what the fuck?”

Good try Freebird135, but all questions must be in the form of an answer! Thanks for playing!

Are you happy to be of service Dr. D? giggles

Dr. D… Which way is up?

Doctor D (if that is your real name)…why do two buses always come along at once?

And Dr. D, Is the Hokey Pokey really what its all about?

Doctor D, are you still repaying your medical student loan!?

comes bolting into room and shuts down behind him in a hurry
Whew! Pitchforks and torches indeed!

AH! Hello there! Dr. D here once again to help you poor, poor, poor souls. Such is my mission in life! That and what we in the medical community like to refer to as “BOOTY MADNESS”.

But to the questions! It seems that you all have been a busy bunch of beavers! Yes indeed! Let’s take a gander at our first question!

It comes from Satinbutterfly!
checks profile
OOOH! IT’S A LADY! Well, now this calls for extra effort! Let me just straighten my hair and hide these magazines of questionable content! HAHA!

Let’s get to your question, shall we? Let’s shall!

The lovely lady wants to know: “Are you happy to be of service Dr. D?”

A very good question! But, even so, it’s a very open question. What type of service would you be referring to? Naval service? No, not at all! I stay as far away from seamen as possible. (EDITOR’S NOTE: He thinks he’s being clever using phonetic humor. Look, we all have to put up with him here so just do us a favor and read that last sentence out loud. That’s about as sophisticated as he gets, alright? We’ll let you get back to the “magic”…)

But continuing on, there are many different areas of service that one can be a part of. Such as civil service! Yes! Serving the community’s needs through self-sacrifice. Such as our fine police officers. Men and women who daily are heroes in many unsung ways. Such as making sure that certain members of the medical profession aren’t in the bushes outside the showers in the women’s campus at the local college. Making sure that there aren’t any high powered telescopes with recording equipment pointed in that one window with the really, really, really hot 20 something that lives across from m…SOMEONE ELSE. Yes! Daily they annoy the crap out of me…ER I MEAN…they bravely serve their fellow man.

In a way, I find myself in almost a kinship with them. You see, I sacrifice myself and give of myself every time a pretty lady comes into my office. You wouldn’t believe how hard the good doctor tries to give a satisfactory experience to each and every (good looking ones only) woman who comes snicker through my doors.

So in answer to your question, yes, I am happy to be of service. On this board and in your homes (only the good looking women though).

[quote=“Doctor D, post: 1099538”]comes bolting into room and shuts down behind him in a hurry
Whew! Pitchforks and torches indeed!

AH! Hello there! Dr. D here once again to help you poor, poor, poor souls. Such is my mission in life! That and what we in the medical community like to refer to as “BOOTY MADNESS”.

But to the questions! It seems that you all have been a busy bunch of beavers! Yes indeed! Let’s take a gander at our first question!

It comes from Satinbutterfly!
checks profile
OOOH! IT’S A LADY! Well, now this calls for extra effort! Let me just straighten my hair and hide these magazines of questionable content! HAHA!

Let’s get to your question, shall we? Let’s shall!

The lovely lady wants to know: “Are you happy to be of service Dr. D?”

A very good question! But, even so, it’s a very open question. What type of service would you be referring to? Naval service? No, not at all! I stay as far away from seamen as possible. (EDITOR’S NOTE: He thinks he’s being clever using phonetic humor. Look, we all have to put up with him here so just do us a favor and read that last sentence out loud. That’s about as sophisticated as he gets, alright? We’ll let you get back to the “magic”…)

But continuing on, there are many different areas of service that one can be a part of. Such as civil service! Yes! Serving the community’s needs through self-sacrifice. Such as our fine police officers. Men and women who daily are heroes in many unsung ways. Such as making sure that certain members of the medical profession aren’t in the bushes outside the showers in the women’s campus at the local college. Making sure that there aren’t any high powered telescopes with recording equipment pointed in that one window with the really, really, really hot 20 something that lives across from m…SOMEONE ELSE. Yes! Daily they annoy the crap out of me…ER I MEAN…they bravely serve their fellow man.

In a way, I find myself in almost a kinship with them. You see, I sacrifice myself and give of myself every time a pretty lady comes into my office. You wouldn’t believe how hard the good doctor tries to give a satisfactory experience to each and every (good looking ones only) woman who comes snicker through my doors.

So in answer to your question, yes, I am happy to be of service. On this board and in your homes (only the good looking women though).[/quote]

Well damn… looks like I’m not getting any service. kicks dirt