A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date. “Mommy,” the little girl asks, “how old are you?” The mother looks over at the little girl, “Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it isn’t polite.” the mother warns. “Ok,” the little girl says, “How much do you weigh?”
“Now really,” the mother says, “these are personal questions and are really none of your business.” Undaunted, the little girl asks, “Why did you and daddy get a divorce?”
“That is enough questions, honestly!” The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
“My Mom wouldn’t tell me anything,” the little girl says to her friend. “Well,” said the friend, “all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it.” Later that night the little girl says to her mother, “I know how old you are, you are 32.” The mother is surprised and asks, “How did you find that out?”
“I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.” The mother is past surprise and shock now. “How in heavens name did you find that out?” The little girl continues on triumphantly, “And… I know why you and daddy got divorce.”
“Oh really?”, the mother asks, “Why is that?” To which the girl replies, “Because you got an F in sex.”
A farmer and his friend were sitting in a bar. The farmer says to his friend, “I got a prize bull. He’s the best bull, perfect in every way. But the problem is, he’s cross eyed” The friend tells the farmer that he wishes there was something he could do, but he can’t think of anything. He finishes the beer, and then leaves. The bartender then slides down the bar-table to the farmer and says, “I couldn’t help but hear you got a cross eyed bull. My friend had the same problem with his bull, and I have a solution” So the farmer says, “Ok, I’m listening’” The bartendertells the farmer, “Take a long pipe, about 4 or 5 feet long. Grease it up real good, and put it in the bulls rear-end, just ease it in. Then blow as hard as you can. Don’t suck! Just blow” So the farmer goes back to the farm. He gets his other friend Lenny to help him. Now, Lenny ain’t to bright, but he’s damn strong, and a big fellow. The farmer tells Lenny that he can cure the bull. He grabs some vaseline and a pipe and runs to the bull. “Now Lenny, you stand here and watch his eyes, and I’ll go around back” So, the farmer greases up the pole, and just eases it in. He puts his mouth on the pipe, and starts blowin’" He looks to Lenny and asks, “Anything yet?” Lenny shakes his head, so the farmer keeps blowin’. He stops again and asks, “How about now?” Lenny says, “Not yet boss!” So he starts blowing again. This time, he gives it all he’s got. Well, the farmer says to Lenny, “Anything now?” Lenny says, “Not yet” “Something ain’t right” Says the farmer. “Lenny, you go around back and blow, and I’ll keep an eye out on the bull” “Sure thing boss”, says Lenny. Well, Lenny goes to the back of the bull and pulls the pipe out, reverses it, and puts it back in. The farmer says, “Lenny, what the hell are you doing?” And Lenny says, “I’m not blowin’ on the same end you blew on!”
A priest is walking down the road, when he sees a little boy tossing around a bottle. Just throwing it up in the air, and catching it. He walks up to the boy and asks, “What do you have there son?” The boy replies, “A bottle of acid” The priest thinks, “Man, I gotta get this acid away from this boy, he could really hurt himself” The priest runs home, and grabs a bottle of holy water, then comes back. He says to the boy, “I’ll tell you what, I’ll trade you this bottle of holy water, for that bottle of acid” The boy says, “You tell me one thing that holy water can do that my acid can’t do, and we’ll talk about a trade” So the priest says, “Ok. 4 days ago, I met a woman in a hospital who was having a terrible time giving birth. I put 3 drops of this holy water on her stomach, she passed the baby with no trouble” The little boy says, “That’s nothing. I put just 1 drop of this acid on a cat’s assed, he passed a motorcycle”