Ever wonder what takes women so long in the bathroom?


#1

My mother was a fanatic about public toilets.
As a little girl, she’d bring me in the stall, teach me to wad up
toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she’d carefully lay strips
of toilet paper to cover the seat. Finally, she’d instruct,
“Never, never sit on a public toilet seat.”

And she’d demonstrate “The Stance,” which consisted of balancing
over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any
of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. But by this time,
I’d have wet down my leg. And we’d go home.

That was a long time ago. Even now in our more mature years, The
Stance is excruciatingly difficult to maintain when one’s bladder
is especially full. When you have to “go” in a public bathroom, you find
a line of
women that makes you think there’s a half-price sale on Mel Gibson’s
underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other
ladies, also crossing their legs and smiling politely. And you finally
get closer. You check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is
occupied.

Finally, a stall door opens and you dash, nearly knocking down the
woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won’t latch.
It doesn’t matter. You hang your purse on the door hook, yank down
your pants and assume “The Stance.” Relief. More relief.

Then your thighs begin to shake. You’d love to sit down but you
certainly hadn’t taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper
on it, so you hold The Stance as your thighs experience a quake
that would register an eight on the Richter scale.

To take your mind off it, you reach for the toilet paper. The
toilet paper dispenser is empty. Your thighs shake more. You
remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on that’s in your
purse. It would have to
do. You crumble it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller
than your thumbnail.

Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn’t work
and your purse whams you in the head. “Occupied!” you scream as
you reach out for the door, dropping your tissue in a puddle and
falling backward, directly onto the toilet seat.

You get up quickly, but it’s too late. Your bare bottom has made
contact with all the germs and life forms on the bare seat because
YOU never laid down toilet paper, not that there was any, even if
you had enough time to. And your mother would be utterly ashamed
of you if she knew, because her bare bottom never touched a public
toilet seat because, frankly, “You don’t know what kind of
diseases you could get.”

And by this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet
is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin
to a fountain and then it suddenly sucks everything down with such
force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of
being dragged to China. At that point, you give up. You’re soaked
by the splashing water.
You’re exhausted. You try to wipe with a Chicklet wrapper you found in
your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can’t figure out how to operate the sinks with the automatic
sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel
and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and
unable to smile politely at this point. One kind soul at the very
end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper
on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River!

You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman’s hand
and say warmly, “Here. You might need this.”

At this time, you see your spouse, who has entered, used and
exited his bathroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting
for you. “What took you so long?” he asks, annoyed.

This is when you kick him sharply in the shin and go home.

This is dedicated to all women everywhere who have ever had to deal with
a public toilet.

And it finally explains to all you men what takes us so long.


#2

Not when i’m in there with her :hump


#3

:rofl Funny story


#4

Damn that was long! :rofl Good story though, made me laugh.


#5

cliff notes :dunno


#6

Haha, I know people who are freaks about public toilets like that.

I just don’t use them unless it’s a damn dire emergency. most of them are pretty, blech! :barf

Not all of them, but ya know…


#7

Just wait til you have kids and you will find yourself taking them to the bathroom in some of the most awkward places. You just have to learn to use lots and lots of toilet paper to cover the whole seat.


#8

Growing up my mother showed me the same position, and I mastered it. When I was about 6 she would go in the stall with me and while she was papering the seat I would be holding on for dear life. :woot


#9

Re: RE: Ever wonder what takes women so long in the bathroom

Hey, it’s about time you posted! So that’s why it takes you so long in the bathroom. :smiley:


#10

Re: RE: Ever wonder what takes women so long in the bathroom

No kids for me! No ma’am.

And if I did have any, they better NOT have to go if there’s a nasty bathroom. lol.


#11

i am a freak about public toilets… they are discusting, unless I know the people that clean them. I cant throw up in a public bathroom because the smell makes me want to gag… ok, tmi…


#12

I like Public RR’s. Long as the drain on the floor soaks up all the piss and there is no piss on the seat. Eh. I thought it was kuz women were becoming good friends with Mr. Dildo.