The Five Stages of Drinking


LEVEL 1: It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as I get seven hours of sleep (snap fingers), I’m cool.”.

LEVEL 2: It’s midnight. You’ve had a few more beers. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing against artificial turf. You get up to leave again, but at level two, a little devil appears on your shoulder. And now you’re thinking, “Hey! I’m out with my friends! What am I working for anyway? These are the good times! Besides, as long as I get five hours sleep (snaps fingers) I’m cool.”.

LEVEL 3: One in the morning. You’ve abandoned beer for tequila. You’ve just spent 20 minutes arguing FOR artificial turf. And now you’re thinking, “Our waitress is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen!” At level three, you love the world. On the way to the bathroom you buy a drink for the stranger at the end of the bar just because you like his face. You get drinking fantasies. (like,“Hey fellas, if we bought our own bar, we could live together forever. We could do it. Tommy, you could cook.”) But at level three, that devil is a little bit bigger…and he’s buying. And you’re thinking “Oh, come on, come on now. As long as I get three hours sleep…and a complete change of blood (snaps fingers), I’m cool.”.

LEVEL 4: Two in the morning. And the devil is bartending. For last call, you ordered a bottle of rum and a Coke. You ARE artificial turf! This time on your way to the bathroom, you punch the stranger at the end of the bar. Just because you don’t like his face! And now you’re thinking, “Our busboy is the best looking man I’ve ever seen.” You and your friends decide to leave, right after you get thrown out, and one of you knows an …after hours bar. And here, at level four, you actually think to yourself, "Well…as long as I’m only going to get a few hours sleep anyway, I may as well…STAY UP ALL NIGHT!!! Yeah! That’d be good for me. I don’t mind going to that board meeting looking like Keith Richards. Yeah, I’ll turn that around, make it work for me. And besides, as long as I get 31 hours sleep tomorrow …cool.

LEVEL 5: Five in the morning. after unsuccessfully trying to get your money back at the tattoo parlor (“But I don’t even know anybody named Ruby!!!”), you and your friends wind up across the state line in a bar with guys who have been in prison as recently as…that morning. It’s the kind of place where even the devil is going, “Uh, I gotta turn in. I gotta be in Hell- at nine. I’ve got that brunch with Hitler, I can’t miss that.” At this point, you’re all drinking some kind of thick blue liquor, like something from a Klingon wedding. A waitress with fresh stitches comes over, and you think to yourself, “Someday I’m gonna marry that girl!!” One of your friends stands up and screams, “WE’RE DRIVIN’ TO FLORIDA!!!”- and passes out. You crawl outside for air , and then you hit the worst part of level five- the sun. You weren’t expecting that were you? You never do. You walk out of a bar in daylight, and you see people on their way to work, or jogging. And they look at you-and they know. And they say…“Who’s Ruby?”

Let’s be honest, if you’re 19 and you stay up all night, it’s like a victory like you’ve beat the night, but if you’re over 30, then that sun is like God’s flashlight. We all say the same prayer then, “I swear, I will never do this again (how long?) as long as I live!” And some of us have that little addition, “and this time, I mean it!”


That’s some real funny stuff. I can relate to the first 4 stages, but I cant say i’ve ever made it to stage 5 :booze


well i’m 19 an honestly, drinking is not cool in my area…we had a shot after we won the game, but that’s about it. no going out and drinking and looking utterly retarded next morning in my area… :dunno

BTW some funny stuff!


You look 15 in your picture, but maybe its because your collar is popped :rofl


:owned :rofl :rofl :rofl


ok maybe a couple other retards thought that was funny :dunno


Larry Miller is an excellent comic.

His delivery of this bit is “cool”


Re: RE: The Five Stages of Drinking


ok maybe a couple other retards thought that was funny :dunno[/quote]

I must be a retard because I thought it was funny too… probably because you do look 15.

Anyway, I don’t think I’ve ever made it past level 2… and I rarely drink on the weekdays.


Re: RE: The Five Stages of Drinking

[quote=SpankyDaLuvMonky]Larry Miller is an excellent comic.

His delivery of this bit is “cool”[/quote]

I was wondering who wrote it, I found it on a mesage board or an email or something. Never heard of Larry Miller, gotta check him out. Your a quick one Spanky.


I’m a standup fan. Larry Miller’s most notable films (or ones I remember): The Dean in Necessary Roughness and the father in Ten Things I Hate About You.


Re: RE: The Five Stages of Drinking

Ah shit I know who you’re talkin about. Never knew his name either. lol


How many people here drank in their teenage years, and how ofter, for me it was pretty much every weekend (Fri and Sat night) from the age of 14 -19


I started drinking in highschool. I drank most of the weekends, whether i’m proud of that or not I dont know. I stayed out of trouble. My friend built a cabin back in his woods and we would camp out there almost every weekend and drink and play paintball or whatever. It was some pretty good times


:smiley: :banana


I never drank until I was 21. Same thing with smoking, never did it until I was 18.

IMO it’s just not worth the trouble you’ll get into being underage.


hey i’m with 2000si. doing that shit is no good if you are underage. i’m mormon so i don’t believe in that.


I don’t get what you’re trying to say? You don’t believe that it’s not good to do if you’re underage? Or it’s not good to do regardless?

I’m 23 so I do what I want now. Drink, smoke, freedom of choice owns.


oops, typo. i changed “is” to “if”


im not much of a drinker but that was really funny. just a social drinker :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl :rofl