Uncyclopedia- Vin Diesel


#1

Vin Diesel is nowadays working on a prequel to “The Fast and The Furious”, called “The Hurried and The Annoyed”.

Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris are fierce enemies, and have been fighting since dawn of time, possibly earlier. The original reason for the conflict has been lost, but it has hypothesized that universe was created when Chuck gave Vin a roundhouse kick to the face, and Vin survived. He is the only person other than Woody Allen to be able to take the full force of the Chuck.

* When Vin Diesel smiles, a puppy is brought back to life. 

* Vin Diesel owns an impressive collection of point masses, frictionless surfaces, and ideal pulleys. 

* Vin Diesel doesn't use a computer. Instead he forces Chinese teenagers in his basement to memorize numbers. 

* Vin Diesels blood type is whiskey and Dr. Pepper. 

* Vin Diesel invented The Thunderdome 

* Vin Diesel once saved a baby from a burning building, but he realized once he came out that the child wasn't worth it, and threw it back. 

* Vin Diesel is the man behind the curtain. 

* Vin Diesel is the alpha and the omega. 

* Vin Diesel makes his own gasoline by traveling back in time and punching dynosaurs to death then throwing their bodies to where his house would be in several million years. He then refines the oil into gasoline by yelling at it. 

* Mjolnir is actually Vin Diesel's penis. 

* Sin Diesel once said "I never trust anything that bleeds for a week and doesnt die" 

* Vin Diesel's favorite practical joke is to call up gynecologists' offices and ask for Ed. Then he hangs up real fast. Nobody gets it but him. 

* When the planets align, Vin Diesel combines with Ron Jeremy to form Ron Diesel, a being of infinite strength and sperm count. Unfortunately, any witnesses of this sacred event are repeatedly bench pressed, sodomized, and killed using a combination of back hair and cowbell extracted from natural sources. 

* Vin Diesel invented the phrase "PWN3D" after a fist-fight with Ghandi, the details of which he has never released. 

* Paradoxically, half of Vin Diesel equals one Vin Diesel. This means that one quarter Vin Diesel also equals one Vin Diesel, and on and on forever. The Vin Diesel that we perceive is the sum total of an infinite amount of Vin Diesels and his powers reflect this. 

* A 15 minute rap battle between Diesel's character and Adolf Hitler was cut before the final release of Saving Private Ryan. 

* Vin Diesel never ever acts as Vin Diesel. All the time, he is impersonating an imaginary italian actor named Paolo, who is in turn impersonating Vin Diesel. Since both Paolo and Vin Diesel are first-rate impersonators, nobody ever notices. But Paolo's work has more merit, since English in not his first language. 

* If you sacrifice a virgin to Vin Diesel, the next morning you will find tickets to a The Who concert on your doorstep. If you do not have a doorstep, then beware! He will come for you on the next full moon. 

* Vin Diesel can, in fact, divide by zero. 

* There is no theory of evolution, just creatures that Vin Diesel allows to live. 

* Vin Diesel has two speeds, walk and kill. 

* In the average room, there are 1,242 items that Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself. 

* Vin Diesel is one of the only persons/gods to suffer from Sexlexia. 

* Vin Diesel recently added 'moose' to his "Animals That Tried to Fight Me and Lost" list. 

* Vin Diesel actually painted all the works of Michelangelo, but lost them to said "artist" after he bet that he could drink the entire ocean. Diesel almost succeeded, but gagged on a giant squid at the last moment. 

* When not acting, Vin Diesel follows his true passion: directing Bollywood musicals. He has directed 238 to date and is highly respected for his lilting tenor voice that can be heard many times in these movies. 

* Only Vin Diesel knows with certainty what the Christ Dr. Pepper really is. That knowledge is both his eternal burden and the source of his powers. 

* Vin Diesel is the only person in the history of the world to be President, Chief Justice, Secretary of the Interior, mechanical Sanitation Engineer, Pharoah, Thane, Princess, Imperial Grand Wizard, and Best Boy Grip simultaneously 

* Billie Jean is not Vin Diesel's lover. She's just a girl who claims that he is the one, but the kid is not his son. 

* Vin Diesel once defied MC Hammer and touched it. 

* Vin Diesel doesn't have to do a goddamn thing for a Klondike Bar. 

* Vin Diesel went back in time and invented wearing your clothes backwards like Kris Kross first. But instead of putting his clothes on backwards, he simply twisted his head all the way around. 

* Vin Diesel was\will be the first\last Chrononaut, travelling back in time to father himself by impregnating his own mother. 

* Vin Diesel invented the VTEC engine after dying in a freak road accident involving Han Solo. 

* Vin Diesel is the twin brother of Vin Deisel, of which Deisel being only half as talented. 

* Vin Diesel is actually pronounced "Vin Deisel Vin Deisel", but it's a bit of a mouthful. Like Vin Deisel. 

* Vin Diesel can touch Fuzzy without getting dizzy. 

* Vin Diesel NEVER walks. He has tiny bugs under his feet that carry him around. 

* Vin Diesel is the 24th element of the Periodic Table. 

* Although it was edited from the bible, Jesus once said "What Would Vin Diesel do?" 

* Vin Diesel framed Roger Rabbit 

* Vin Diesel considers stop signs as nothing more than a suggestion. 

* Vin Diesel once gangraped Socrates, by himself. 

* When Vin Diesel plays Dungeons and Dragons, he rolls critical hits EVERY TIME. 

* Vin Diesel is immune to salt and can drink sea water. 

* Vin Diesel collects cowbells. 

* Vin Diesel is terrified of opposable thumbs, and refuses to use his own. 

* Vin Diesel is a firm believer in the El Wado theory. 

* Vin Diesel is closely related to both Jet A1 (sister of Jet Li) and Kerosene Fuel. 

* Many years ago, Vin Diesel accidently shot George Lucas while attempting to assassinate an enemy to the Illuminati. Diesel apologized to Lucas by giving him the scripts to a six-part sci-fi saga called Star Wars. Unfortunetly, Lucas lost the scripts to the first three parts and foolishly decided to re-write them himself. 

* When Vin Diesel smokes cigarettes, his lungs get stronger. 

* Axe Deodorant Spray is made entirely out of Vin Diesel's natural pheromones and a pinch of chili powder. 

* Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 

* On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun. 

* You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children. 

* When Vin Diesel shows up to class, 500 points go to Gryffindor. 

* Vin Diesel is one of the ingredients of dynamite. 

* Vin Diesel knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop, but he won't tell anyone. 

* Vin Diesel is his own branch of the US Military. 

* Vin Diesel's spells his name with a Ə. 

* Vin Diesel is not a girl, but not yet a woman 

* Vin Diesel is Jesus's real dad. 

* For breakfast, Vin Diesel has two poached eggs and a minivan. 

* Whenever Vin Diesel puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him. 

* Vin Diesel takes the phrase "Breakfast of Champions" literally. He once ate Tiger Woods, Wayne Gretzky, and Russel Crowe in one meal. 

* Vin Diesel can hear the word 'Ni' without making a fuss about it. 

* Vin Diesel once ran out of alcohol, and tried drinking gasoline instead. He found it so delicious he singlehandedly caused the gas shortage of 1974. 

* Vin Diesel is able to rip a phone book in half with just one hand. 

* Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital. 

* When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead. 

* When Vin Diesel told the Microsoft Word paper clip to go away, it never came back. 

* Vin Diesel accidently invented the sport of jousting when he went horseback riding in the middle ages with an erection. 

* The 13th and final symbol of the zodiac is Vin Diesel. 

* The U.S. actually dropped Vin Diesel onto Hiroshima, and that one can speak for itself. 

* Vin Diesel invented the Swiss Army Knife then founded Switzerland so that there would be an army to use it. 

* Vin Diesel's hair is too afraid of him to grow. 

* Vin Diesel gave Colonel Sanders the Original Recipe. 

* Vin Diesel's semen is also known to the public as rubber cement. 

* Vin Diesel kicked the original Gerber baby in the face because he gave him "a look." 

* Vin Diesel knows there is a God, because Vin kicks his ass at their weekly triathlon. Events include Midget Tossing, Hot Dog Eating Competition, and Testicle Truck Pull...simultaneously. 

* Vin Diesel actually captured the beaches of Normandy two days before D-Day, and held the Allied invasion forces at bay for nearly a day, but they finally drove inland when he left to go take a shit. 

* Vin Diesel doesn't use Listerine, he sets his mouth on fire. 

* When Vin Diesel plays dodgeball, he can shoot 5 heat-sensor dodgeballs at a time out of his butt. 

* Vin Diesel poops platinum turds in the shape of trophies. 

* Vin Diesel likes his coffee like he likes his women - Colombian and crushed into powder. 

* Vin Diesel saved Christmas once from the Grinch. 

* The Earth doesn't actually rotate around the Sun, it's just trying to run away from Vin Diesel. 

* Vin Diesel invented the English alphabet. AND the Jewish one. 

* Every time Vin Diesel sneezes, another ship is lost in the Bermuda Triangle. 

* For a period of time Vin Diesel stole the letter "f" from the English Alphabet which is why today we have words like phone and photo. 

* Vin Diesel did Jesus one better by not only dying and coming back from the grave, but bringing a Jewish village of a thousand with him. 

* Vin Diesel was considerably cheaper than his half-brother Vin Gasoline until W fucked everything up. 

* Vin Diesel sleeps on a couch in the ACM office at North Dakota State University. 

* Vin Diesel was tricked once by a woman. The result was the invention of Herpes. 

* Vin Diesel does not have abs of steel; they are actually a 99.97% pure form of antimony. Scientists theorize that if Vin Diesel's abs were exposed to the song Mony Mony, the two would annihilate each other and release pure energy...as was foretold by legend. 

* Vin Diesel is the only person to know what happens when the unstoppable force hits the immovable object. Vin was in an automobile accident with Marlon Brando when he discovered the effects. The dust is still settling on Brando's Island. As Brando is now dead, it would seem obvious as to the outcome although Vin Diesel isn't telling anyone. 

* Vin Diesel's flatulence is actually the cure for cancer. Unfortunately, it is also the cause of AIDS. 

* Vin Diesel once got bored and decided to see if he couldn't find the final digit of Pi. After 7000 of calculating, Vin willed the sequence to terminate. Therefore, the last digit in the sequence of Pi is Vin Diesel. 

* When people use the phrase "and stuff", they are actually referring to Vin Diesel. 

* Vin Diesel, using only his mind, created Olympic Figure Skating. Upon realizing his mistake, he created the orgasm to make up for it. 

* Vin Diesel owns the world record for both baton tossing and Dance Dance Revolution. 

* When read backwards, page 1337 of the Holy Bible, the Torah, and the Qu'ran all state that the Apocalypse will be caused by Vin Diesel's massive firestorm of bukkake as he attempts to rid the world of people who submit crappy Flash files to EBaumsWorld. 

* Happiness runs in a circular motion away from Vin Diesel. 

* When Vin Diesel ejaculates, pure sarcasm comes out. It has a velocity that exceeds mach 4 and is corrosive enough to penetrate all known metals. 

* Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity when Vin Diesel dropped a brick on his head. 

* Vin Diesel invented bowling in 1864, only back then he hurled fetuses at burning crucifixes. 

* When Vin Diesel goes to jail, he passes go and collects $200. 

* Vin Diesel can give birth, but only to supply for his bowling. 

* It was actually Vin Diesel who said "let them eat cake." Shortly after that, he ate Mary Antionette and the rest of France. 

* Vin Diesel started the Boston Massacre when he snot-rocketed a gigantic booger out of his nose. That same day he was credited with the invention of Silly Putty, which was found in the Epididimus of one of the victims by a Medical Examiner/Toy Maker. 

* Vin Diesel knows where Jimmy Hoffa is burried, he just doesn't care. 

* Vin Diesel cooks meat by starring at it. 

* The tsunami of 2005 was caused by Vin Diesel doing a cannonball into the Pacific. When told what happened by reporters Vin Diesel ate their souls. 

* Vin Diesel birthed himself. 

* Vin Diesel beat up Dean Stockwell so bad, he died ten times before it was over. 

* Vin Diesel is the President of the Moon. 

* Vin Diesel no longer has to breath air, he instead runs on a mixture of scotch, beer, and pork rinds that he takes in about twice a week. 

* Vin Diesel once had an erection while walking down the street. There were no survivors. 

* Vin Diesel can use his Hyper Beam attack without waiting a turn to recharge. 

* There are two metals in the universe that are unable to be cut by a lightsaber. One of them is Vin Diesel. The other is a iron-based metal made with cottage cheese, pizza crust, construction paper, small rabbits(can be substituted with chipmunks), and a pinch of Rheumatoid Arthritis. 

* Vin Diesel shoots the television screen everyday at 12:26 when Bob Barker tells him to get his pet spayed or neutered. He also always guesses the exact price of each showcase. Unfortunately, he hasn't been allowed back into the studio since he tried to attack Bob with the $1,964 golf clubs that he won. 

* Vin Diesel first used the phrase "hungry enough to eat a horse" after he devoured every unicorn in existance. 

* The Sasquatch doesn't actually exist. Vin Diesel just likes to go streaking in the Yukon. 

* The last time Vin Diesel cried was 5600 years ago. Luckily he warned Noah in time. 

* All currently known mathematical and physical constants are in fact equal to Vin Diesel, seen from different angles. 

* Vin Diesel fought the law, and kicked its ass. 

* Vin Diesel has reflexes 200 times faster than Mike Tyson. 

* All world records are currently held by Vin Diesel. The Guiness Book Of Records simply records the closest anyone has ever come to beating him. 

* Vin Diesel is the only person to average a triple double in every NBA season ever played, scoring simply by shouting at the ball. 

* Julius Caesar's famous words were in fact: "Veni, Vidi, Vin Diesel." 

* Unfortunately no-one can be told what Vin Diesel is, you have to see him for yourself. 

* All boybands were created by Vin Diesel for an unknown purpose that will only become clear to us on judgement day. Many philosphers have suggested that this purpose may involve 'a whole galaxy of pain and suffering'. 

* Don't ask, because Vin Diesel already told me the answer, and it's Vin fuckin' Diesel. 

* Vin Diesel taught MacGyver how to make explosives from bubble gum and aluminum foil. 

* Vin Diesel burned my mother and raped my house. 

* Vin Diesel constructed the Death Star for the sole purpose of shaving his ass hairs. 

* You were eaten by Vin Diesel. Go back to the start. 

* Napalm is liquid Vin Diesel. 

* Vin Diesel can make circles with more than 360 degrees. 

* As a founding member of the Bee Gees, Vin Diesel rode the waves of the late 70’s disco scene, engaging in crazy Coke-induced orgies and Cola-induced night fevers. His wife at the time, Aretha Franklin, once commented that, although Vin was “a lady’s man,” he “never had any time for talk”. They later divorced, Aretha citing the fact Vin Diesel never gave her any “respect.” 

* Vin Diesel knows exactly where the hood is at. 

* When Diddy (a.k.a P. Diddy)(a.k.a. Puff Daddy) insisted that the people of America "vote or die," Vin Diesel did neither. 

* Vin Diesel’s much-beloved grandfather was the first electric sprinkler. In honor of him, Vin created an interpretative dance move that became highly popular in 1980’s clubs. 

* Vin Diesel's drag queen alias is "Janie." And yes, he has a gun. 

* Vin Diesel's six-pack holds beer. 

* Vin Diesel blinded Ray Charles, then taught him to play piano......now God owes him $5. 

* If 1/3 = .333~, and 2/3 = .666~, and 1/3 + 2/3 = 3/3 = 1, and .333~ + .666~ = .999~, then .999~ = Vin Diesel. If .999~ = Vin Diesel, then Vin Diesel = 1. In addition, if Vin Diesel = God, then God = 1 and thus .999~ = God. And if that is true, then reality is really relative. And if God created reality, and reality is shaped by man, and man was created in God's image, then Vin Diesel = reality. However, God also created Satan, and if Satan was shaped by man, which shaped reality, which composes Vin Diesel, then Vin Diesel = Satan = God. And if God = Satan, then opposites = opposites and everything is backwards.tsixe ton seod leseiD niV ,eroferehT 

* "I will rip your fucking head off you unfunny piece of shit and yes this is a written threat" was Vin Diesel's reply to the writer of the fact above. 

* In 1964 Vin Diesel experienced a total eclipse of the heart 

* Vin Diesel knows what all women want, and its Vin Diesel. 

* Vin Diesel's eagle scout project was Stonehenge, which was desiged to be a landing dock to earth for the death star. 

* Vin Diesel considers gropping a talent worthy of putting on a Job Resume. 

* Vin Diesel once went on a 3 week acid trip and woke up on the set of 2 Fast 2 Furious. 

* Vin Diesel plays midget poker every friday night with Oprah, Hitler, Dark Jesus and Dr. Phil and Vin Diesel. Vin Diesel always wins. 

* Moses actaully prayed to Vin Diesel for the ocean to part. Vin Diesel descended to Earth and made the waters part by shouting at them. 

* Vin Diesel once killed a crowd of 300 ninjas by blinking at them 

* Instead of using guns, Vin Diesel simply makes a gun sound (which sounds like a real gun) and spits at whatever he wants to kill. 

* Vin Diesel simply walks into Mordor. 

* Vin Diesel is everything you're not. 

* God challenged Vin Diesel to a game of Volleyball, so that afternoon he built The Great Wall of China... 

* Vin Diesel makes a daammmn good apple pie. 

* Vin Diesel's alter-ego is Jessica Simpson 

* Vin once took a shot of Jack Daniels through his ear. He promptly threw it up out of his nose, at which point, he declared it holy. 

* Vin Diesel's a hell of a drug. 

* Vin Diesel once ate 5 turkeys in one sitting. The following massive bowel movement spawned into the band Yes. 

* Vin's skin is pure Kevlar. 

* When Vin Diesel eats his daily banjo, he often burps bluegrass music. 

* Vin Diesel eats glass for the pure exhilaration. 

* Vin Diesel does not own a washer or dryer, but rather swallows his laundry load, and chases it with detergent. Then, he shits clean clothes, and burps bubbles. 

* When within a 7 foot radius of Vin Diesel, you are actually standing on sovereign Guatemalan territory. 

* Vin Diesel can play the entire score to the movie Braveheart utilizing only his colon. 

* 60% of the time, Vin Diesel works...every time. 

* Vin Diesel uses diamond studded condoms. He uses them with no regard for his partners pain, but after sex, offers them radiator coolant, for use as local anesthetic. 

* Seismology is the study of Vin Diesel's masturbation habits. 

* Vin Diesel firmly believes that breast cancer can be cured by a vigorous massage. 

* Vin Diesel can smell what The Rock is cooking. 

* Due to the favorable exchange rate, a Vin Diesel in the hand is worth about 3.5 in the bush. 

* Vin Diesel created Earth as an expansion pack to Command & Conquer. 

* Vin Diesel's bodily functions are solely reliant on 

the trace amounts of funk found in the Earth’s stratosphere.

* Vin Diesel is 72% badass and 28% cornbread. 

* Vin Diesel once challenged the deceased corpse of Mahatma Gandhi to an arm wrestling match, and lost. 

* Vin Diesel's freakishly large head controls the tides of the underground oceans of Neptune. 

* Vin Diesel is the illegitimate lovechild of Bridget Fonda and Sammy Davis Jr. 

* The only fruit spread that Vin Diesel can tolerate is blackberry jam. 

* Vin Diesel has an unspoken, telepathic bond with both Cuban dictator Fidel Castro and Wheel of Fortune host Pat Sajak. 

* Working as a forklift operator in 1995, Vin Diesel ran over and killed the original Johnny Appleseed. 

* For a two-week span in 2003, Vin Diesel was an editor of Cosmopolitan magazine, but was summarily dismissed due to his demands for his own Amish quilting column. 

* Vin Diesel's morning breath is widely regarded cross-culturally as a weapon of mass destruction. 

* Vin Diesel is really Adam West in disguise. 

* The voice of Vin Diesel stimulates brain activity in infants, making them better at math. 

* Vin Diesel crossed the Delaware with Washington. 

* Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas. 

* Vin Diesel can, with his bare hands, create flawless diamonds the size of golfballs. He is paid roughly $20,000,000.00 USD each year not to do so by De Beers, SA. 

* Vin Diesel consumed 16oz. of Chinese mustard, breathed fire, then proceeded to climb the Empire State Building after watching the 1930's version of King Kong. 

* Vin Disel flooded New Orleans by jumping in his own pool 

* Light cannot escape a black hole, but Vin Diesel can. 

* Vin Diesel does not need to insert (2) coins to continue. 

* Vin Diesel IS Einhorn! 

* Vin Diesel thinks in binary coded decimal. This explains his intimate relationship with all Sesame Street characters. 

* Vin Diesel pimped Xzibit's ride. 

* Shortly after the Big Bang had occurred, Diesel sought out Ingvar Kamprad (the mastermind behind IKEA) and forged the great demons primitive models. Kamprad was infuriated and swore to fashion a model so fiendish in design that not even Vin himself would be able to assemble it. Shortly thereafter a cardboard box was delivered to Diesel's residence (which lay buried deep inside the sun itself). Smiling to himself, Diesel accepted the challenge, but was shocked to find that the model consisted only of a mountain of ore, an enormous quantity of wood, and a small plastic flap. A small note on the box let our protagonist know that the instructions came written in Braille, and were to be found on the inside of Gods bladder. Our hero went to work, and six days later he was finished. He stared in awe, as he realized that he had actually created the Pangaea. Blinded by anger, Kamprad attacked Diesel. The two demigods fought for an eternity. Finally, Diesel emerged victorious after ripping Greenland out of the Pangaea and hurling it at Kamprad. After this he made love to himself, spawning several overlords, and in the long run, created life as we know it. 

* Vin Diesel once ate the country of Zaire for breakfast. Afterwards, he had terrible indigestion and shit out the Falkland Islands. 

* Poet John Milton originally intended Vin Diesel to be that protagonist in his epic work Paradise Lost, however he decided to change it at the last second, fearing the character would be too scary for most readers. He then switched to his second choice, Lucifer. 

* If Vin Diesel were to grow a beard, it would be called the Dieselosphere and encompass the entire Earth. 

* Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear. 

* Vin Diesel not only has an Xbox 360, he has Peter Jackson's soul as well. This helps to explain his friendship with the protein "ATP Synthase." 

* If one were to make a rope out of Vin Diesel's arm-pit hair, they would soon find that it works, quite effectivly, as a lasso of truth, giving rise to the question; when did Wonder Woman have access to these materials? 

* Charlie Kaufman's next film is rumored to be titled "Being Vin Diesel". 

* There is no devil, it's just Vin Diesel when he's drunk. And sober, for that matter. 

* To maintain his youthful appearance and robust physique, Vin Diesel drinks a quart of marine varnish every day. 

* Vin Diesel once read a eulogy at his own funeral. God Bless You, Vin. 

* Planet X ([url]http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Planet_X[/url]) is actually Vin Diesel's left testicle, which he ripped off his nut-sack and threw to outer space out of boredom. His testicle was regenerated shortly after that. 

* Vin Diesel drove the Titanic to self-destruction by threatening to beat the shit out of it if it came anywhere near the United States. 

* Vin Diesel can conjure WAAAAYY wittier facts about Vin Diesel 

* Mr. T doesn't pitty Vin Diesel 

* God is a Vin Diesel among Men.

#2

my favorites:

  • Vin Diesel once went on a 3 week acid trip and woke up on the set of 2 Fast 2 Furious.

  • Vin Diesel once read a eulogy at his own funeral. God Bless You, Vin.

  • Vin Diesel doesn’t have to do a goddamn thing for a Klondike Bar.

  • Vin Diesel has two speeds, walk and kill.

  • Vin Diesel was\will be the first\last Chrononaut, travelling back in time to father himself by impregnating his own mother.

  • Vin Diesel NEVER walks. He has tiny bugs under his feet that carry him around.

  • When Vin Diesel smokes cigarettes, his lungs get stronger.

  • Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

  • Vin Diesel is Jesus’s real dad.

  • Whenever Vin Diesel puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

  • Vin Diesel once ran out of alcohol, and tried drinking gasoline instead. He found it so delicious he singlehandedly caused the gas shortage of 1974.

  • When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

  • The U.S. actually dropped Vin Diesel onto Hiroshima, and that one can speak for itself.

  • Vin Diesel invented the Swiss Army Knife then founded Switzerland so that there would be an army to use it.

  • Vin Diesel’s hair is too afraid of him to grow.

  • Vin Diesel was considerably cheaper than his half-brother Vin Gasoline until W fucked everything up.

  • When Vin Diesel goes to jail, he passes go and collects $200.

  • Vin Diesel birthed himself.

  • The last time Vin Diesel cried was 5600 years ago. Luckily he warned Noah in time.

  • Napalm is liquid Vin Diesel.

  • Vin Diesel’s six-pack holds beer.

  • If 1/3 = .333~, and 2/3 = .666~, and 1/3 + 2/3 = 3/3 = 1, and .333~ + .666~ = .999~, then .999~ = Vin Diesel. If .999~ = Vin Diesel, then Vin Diesel = 1. In addition, if Vin Diesel = God, then God = 1 and thus .999~ = God. And if that is true, then reality is really relative. And if God created reality, and reality is shaped by man, and man was created in God’s image, then Vin Diesel = reality. However, God also created Satan, and if Satan was shaped by man, which shaped reality, which composes Vin Diesel, then Vin Diesel = Satan = God. And if God = Satan, then opposites = opposites and everything is backwards.tsixe ton seod leseiD niV ,eroferehT


#3

:rofl :rofl :rofl awesome. thanks for posting it.


#4

Vin Diesels blood type is whiskey and Dr. Pepper.

Jim Beam and Dr Pepper is GOOD… just don’t put too much whiskey in. lol


#5

haha, i overlooked his blood type. it is hard to read them all at once, but the majority make me laugh really really hard out loud and sometimes i need to take a break from the computer lol