*WARNING* pretty offensive jokes


#1

Q. What do you call it when someone farts in a gay bar?
A. A love call.

Q. How do you give a blind queer a thrill?
A. Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Q. How do lesbians handle their liquor?
A. By the ears. (Lick her)

Q. What do tight pants and a cheap motel have in common?
A. No ball room

Q. What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
A. The position of the dirt bag.

Q. What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
A. Doughnuts.

Q. What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A. 100 people who don’t do dick.

Q. What do attorneys use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
A. 45 lbs.

Q. Why does a dog lick its penis?
A. Because it can’t make a fist.

Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period?
A. Finger painting.

Q. How do you teach a blond math?
A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

Q. What did the pedophile say when he got out of jail?
A. I feel like a kid again!

Q. What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles

Q. Why did God create alcohol?
A. So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.

Q. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A. Sexual harassment.

Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.

Q. What’s the speed limit of sex?
A. 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q. What’s the ultimate rejection?
A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q. Did you hear about the gay truckers?
A. They exchanged loads.

Q. What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A. A fruit stand!

Q. What’s soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
A. Vomit

Q. How can you tell if you eat pussy well?
A. You wake up in the morning with a face like a glazed doughnut and a beard like an unwashed paintbrush.

Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy?
A. He did okay until his business fell off.

Q. What’s the best thing about marrying a woman with leprosy?
A. She can only give you lip once!

Q. If they bring shrimp home on shrimp boats, fish home on fish boats, and clams home on clam boats, what do they bring crabs home on?
A. The Captains Dinghy!

Q. What does 70 year old pussy taste like?
A. Depends!

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to use it.

Q. Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q. Why don’t men have mid-life crises?
A. They stay stuck in adolescence.

Q. What’s the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.

Q. What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he is God’s gift?
A. Exchange him.

Q. What did the guy say to his dick after he found that the girl he’s getting ready to fuck has genital warts?
A. “Hang on, boy! It’s gonna be a bumpy ride!”

Q. Why does it take longer to build a blond snowman?
A. Because you have to hollow the head out.

Q. What is the only game in which the more you lose, the more you have to show for it?
A. Strip Poker

Q. What do you call a van with 5 faggots in it?
A. The aids team.

Q. What did the boy vampire say to the girl vampire?
A. See you next period.

Q. What’s the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
A. Inserting the anchovies.

Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Q. What do you call a female clown?
A. A Clunt

Q. How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
A. He fell off the ball washer!

Q. Why do horny women order at Subway?
A. Footlongs

Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A. A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

Q. If your mother and father have a baby and its not your sister or your brother, who is it?
A. It’s you, you fucking idiot!

Q. What’s the difference between big foot and your mom?
A. Your mom is better in bed.

Q. What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A. A good lawyer knows the law, but a great lawyer knows the judge.

Q. Why can’t Miss Piggy count to 70?
A. Because she gets a frog in her throat at 69.

Q. What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A. A cock that stays up all night.

Q. What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A. A rumor


#2

rude and crude yet funny


#3

lol those are pretty good alot of them i’ve never heard before :smiley: